Love note for ㅂㅈㅎ

To love is to be selfless,  to love is to care about others more than yourself.  To love may be the most painful thing for some. But love doesn't always have to hurt.  My love is to heal the broken you... May u heal my sayang. I miss your face, your voice ,your smile and our petty arguments.  I miss u

Love Note

It's been over a day or two, that I don't hear from him. I know that he needs that space and time that he craves for. Maybe he is hurt,sick , he is stressed and angry.

Ya Allah please look after him for me. Please free him from all the pain that he is feeling. I cannot bear to see him in pain or stress. I want him to be happy. The other day, when we fought and I became the source of his pain I really regretted it. He is always in my heart and mind. I wish he knows how precious he is to me. I wish I was physically near to him. So I could help him. I know that he could hurt me emotionally or physically but I am not afraid.

June will be the sixth month that I know him, sometimes I wonder how did I fall for him so fast and so hard. But ya allah, he makes me very happy. I feel the deepest connection with him even though we have never met in person. Right now , i just want to hug him tight and tell him everything will be alright and that he shouldn't be terrified of life that I will be here for him forever,  no matter what our relationship may be...  Complicated , friends , husband and wife ... I will always be here for him.  He can count on me.  Baby,  I know you are scared but I will always be here I promise. 

Baby,  많이 보고 싶어. I want to tell the world how much I love you , but I am afraid you won't like it.... 베이비 사랑해.. 넘 그리워해서 안아주고 싶어 . I hope you are okay wherever you are and whatever you are doing. I love you my sayang ❤️💙

Live in the present

I resigned my fate to Allah.  I am amazed at my capacity to love someone despite knowing his darker side . I still love him the same and nothing changed. I just pray he will have a peace of mind and heart in this life and also I pray hard I can call you to jannah in the hereafter that's how much I love you . 
Yes baby,  I know you might be reading this someday or somewhere. Please know that I will love you as much and as long as I can

Feeling Blue

These days I feel more blue than usual. I have no idea why I am feeling this way. Maybe I miss my friends, well let's face it being an adult, meeting friends only gets harder. Friends are busy with work, friends that are married and the highest level of being busy has got to be friends with children. Sadly all of my friends fall under one of these categories. 

Just because I have yet to reach those higher milestones in my life does not mean I regret the way I'm living. I believe that the time will come where I will be ready and everything will fall into place. The time is not now because I have other things I still do want to achieve. I remember I posted an entry here approximately 8 years ago on how I would like to live independently and work overseas. That dream is still in my heart, even though the desire to do it has somewhat decreased over the years. As you get older you get less confident and somehow you have this growing fear in you. A fear that will swallow you whole if you don't stop overthinking. However, that dream, even though the desire has decreased and overwashed with time; it didn't die.

No matter how much I debate myself on not doing this, I can't bring myself to defeat the dream. I have to do it else I will regret. I hope that when I'm living my dream there I would meet someone... a soulmate if possible. Someone who would accept my stubbornness, someone who would make me smile and someone who warms my heart just by me looking at him. Sometimes I think to love is the greatest fear of all. For I am always in love with people who are impossible to meet or people who are taken. Why? Because these people can never let me down. I am also picky to the point where the types of guy whom I always fall for are those that are near impossible to get. There will always be the difference in culture, race and religion. It is not that I don't like my own people. It is just that, I don't know what is wrong with me... I keep on getting attracted to those who are totally different from me. This post will be nice to see again, if I were to get married in the future to see who my future spouse will be. 

LEAP OF FAITH

Ya Allah.

Taking this leap of faith is not easy. The decision made is easier, however, the act is terrifying. The only thing I am worried about is not being able to find a job after leaving something that I have done for the last 7 years. That’s considered almost a decade of my career. However, when I think of how I would spend the rest of my life in this place not knowing what you have written for me out there brings about a sense of regret. I imagined myself to be older and waking up doing this job every year without fail and the conclusion that I’ve arrived at is that I would feel like I have wasted my life. 

Teaching is not really a waste because you touch lives every day and you might change someone’s life. Mould a child to become successful individuals. However, my last 7 years in this school, year in and year out has become a blur of events. My life has become a routine and I just know that I am not living my life to the fullest. I am not soaking in the atmosphere and everything. Life has no excitements it has become pretty mundane. It is as if I have hit a roadblock. The only happiness to me is the moments I spend with my family and friends after work. I love jogging or having long walks with my sister. I love watching television with my brothers. I love meeting my friends. 

There are like no changes in my life, I need change. Even though this journey is as terrifying as it seems I know I must do it. For change after 7 years of routine is good. Only Allah please don’t let me worry too much about my finances for you will supply me with sufficient. As a Muslim, ya Allah I know you will always watch over me and provide. I also have to believe that you will not give a burden that is too heavy for me. I believe that you have bigger and better plans for me. Give me courage and bravery. Make me strong. Hasbunallahu Wa ni’mal wakeel.

I hope in 4 months time, I will be back here blogging from another country. INSYAA ALLAH

At the crossroads again

Ya Allah,
I'm stuck. I really want to go and fulfil my dreams and knowing that I will be stuck here for additional three months. I don't feel happy anymore. I know I need to accept and say alhamdulillah for more preparation time but ya allah, I feel like I have waited too long. I want to spread my wings and just fly. FLY AWAY. I WISH I CAN. If someone can take me away somewhere anywhere I will be happy. Right now my heart is just sinking. Yesterday I argued with my sister over my dream. Everyone's dream is different, her dream is to get married and have children, yes I respect that but you have to respect mine too. For how long must I wait and put my dreams on hold because of others. I have contributed more than you ever did. Have you even thought of that?

I have never told you to put your dreams on hold ever. I told you to go for them but you want to stop me from mine. Ya Allah may be this is for the better. I don't know why but doing this dream of mine means soooo much to me and in my heart I just know I have to do it and if I don't I will regret it for the rest of my life. Somehow getting married is not my top priority. I believe that I will find someone oneday, strongly believe in that, that I don't find the need to look for anyone to love because I am contented with being alone right now. Because I believe you have destined something huge for me.

Ya Allah, my dream from young was to study in a foreign environment and I want to learn to live independently to live in a different country. If it is possible, I also want to work in a foreign country. I don't care whether it's Korea, Dubai, China or Turkey. I am open. I chose Korea as my stepping stone because I am familiar with its culture and environment then I am willing to go to Dubai. In Dubai, who knows since I am closer to the holy land I get to go there even faster. That's my dream too ya Allah. Allah you know my passion in teaching and in sewing, I wish I can teach sewing as my retirement plan. Apart from that I love zumba too. I have too many things I want to do.

If I were to turn back time, go back to that 16 year old self who was full of dreams. That 16 year old self is still burning in me. I remember when I started I wanted to go to the US, I wanted to get a job there. However, with the current state of the US, it is not wise for me to explore there alone. It is okay. My dream is to travel the world. I want to make goals in life. I want to transcend the boundaries that women of my age and culture does not want to transcend. You made me so different ya allah but I hope you love me the same as all the other beings you made. Ya Allah give me strength and I seek your blessings and protection. Make this challenge turn me into a stronger woman. Amin. Atiqah please be strong.

GOT7

Recently, I am into a Korean boy band called "GOT7". I am secretly an IGOT7. LOL. I know I feel too old for this. But these boys are just adorable. Besides I have never ever really became a true fan of a band in like a few years now,the last one I really loved was Shinee & B2st. I actually can't wait to see the Markson show tomorrow! Can you believe it? I knew Got7 last year. I've only grown interested in them this June, why? I was curious and clicked on the Markson show on youtube and I fell in love with Mark. He is so dashing, so mysterious yet his laughter is the cutest thing on earth. However, I feel Mark comes in a pair with Jackson! Jackson is the total opposite of Mark which is a totally good thing because they complement each other, like Jackson is too noisy and Mark is quiet so they balance each other nicely, when you throw in Eric Nam it is the perfect combination! The chemistry is just tops!

I knew JJ project and couldn't wait for their debut, I watched Dream High2 and fell in love with JB and Junior. I was very very upset when they came back with 5 other members at first I was like WTH. I felt that the other members were overshadowing the 2 members. However now that I love Markson, I've learnt to love and embrace them as a whole. I can see they work well together. GOT7 forever. The fact that 3 members are able to speak English fluently is just superb. I wish to see the Amerithaikong bunch appearing together more. I wish Young Jae would speak more on screen. Even Mark as well, I somehow feel that Mark aside from being shy and an introvert, I feel that because the rest are too rowdy or talks more they overpower him and he chose to stay quiet. LOL but I still love him for who he is. On another note can wait to watch them on ASC tomorrow. MARKSON RULES!!! GOT7 fighting!

PS: I think Bambam should be given a chance to join them on ASC!

RAMADAN DAY 12

Today marks the twelfth day of Ramadan, it is also the beginning of a school term as an educator at the same school for 6 years honestly I have lost my spark and do not want to be doing this anymore. I am so exhausted of doing the same routine. I started Ramadan happy but now I feel depressed all over again like before Ramadan. I have no idea why I've stopped sewing as well. I used to love sewing so much that just the thought of it makes me delighted. My only escape is to sleep. And for someone who doesn't favour sleeping so much, I've been sleeping a lot as well.

I am in need of a fresh environment. I want to just do things that I love. Oh, Allah please grant me patience in my sad heart. Ramadan has been a fruitful time for me to get closer to you ya Allah. The night time makes me happy the most as I can do congregational prayers. I think my life is lacking in activities as well. I feel blessed that I'm in a relaxed mode but at the same time I feel down because I wish I can hang out more. My friends and I used to hang out a lot when we were younger. Nowadays meeting with them even for a short while makes me the happiest. Sometimes I wish I can go back to the time when i was in secondary school.I had a blast as I get to meet my friends daily and I can honestly say that is the highest point in my life and nothing can beat that time thus far. Even though my dad was in depression back then, no matter how stressful life was, my friends were there. I didn't have money, didn't come from a wealthy family but still I am happy. Friends were like my drug that numb me from all the pain. Nowadays, with that gone, sleep is like a drug. O Allah, I hope I can find that spark again in life. I'm so exhausted ya Allah. So exhausted.

However, I want to thank Allah for my last trip to Korea. It brought back the smile and glow on my face. I truly felt happy again even though it was for a mere 3 weeks. Those 3 weeks are what I look back on. Ya Allah give me the strength to continue being a good Muslim and living life to the fullest.

실망했다

주화 안녕하세용~~~~
오늘은 내 두번째 일기 공개해요. ㅋㅋㅋㅋ
시험이 어때요? 언제 끝나요? 요즘에는 생각이 많아요.
어제 내 여동생은 불편한 이야기를 말했어요. 여동생의 친구는 한국에 갔다고 직업은 찾고 싶었지만 못찾아요. 지금 난 이런 생각하고 있어요 "어때요? 나 아르바이트 찾을수있을까?"
 많이 고민하잖아요. 이건 너무 힘들다.

요즘에 언니는 많이 기도해요. 매일 매일 하나님에서 나한테
도와줘요.저의 고민 너의 고만이랑 비숫해요. 나도 한국에서 일하고 싶어요. 한국에 나의 두번 집 처럼. 근데 난 포기할 수 없어요 노력할께요. 화이팅! 열심히 일하고 있습니다. 그 꿈에는 꼭 잡아요!

내 여동생은 왜 나의 꿈을 못이해해서 대실망해요.

나의 좋아하는 가수

주화 안녕하세요!!!
ㅎㅎㅎ 이게 너무 신기하다! 첫 이야기예요. 오늘 난 모든 사람한테 나의 좋아하는 가수 알려주고 싶어요. 난 다비치 정말 좋아해요.

다비치의 노래들이 진짜 좋아요. ㅋㅋㅋ 난 슬픈 노래를 다 좋아해요. 그들의 노래 들어면서 가슴이도 아파요. ㅎㅎㅎ 이해리 목소리가 더 잘해요. 강민경 보다. ㅋㅋㅋ 강민경 더 예뻐요. 하지만 이해리의 실력은 더 높아요.

나도 이해리 처럼 되고 싶어요. 나의 좋아하는 노래를 "두번 해어지는 일". 이 노래 들어면 나의 요섭하고 서섭(내 애완 동물) 생각이 났어여. 이 노래를 너무 슬퍼요. ㅠㅠㅠㅠ 아 많이 쓰고 싶었지만 시간이 너무 늦었어요. 눈도 아파요. 내일 계속 쓸거에요. 안녕히주무세요

The eldest

It is tough being the eldest.
Especially when it comes to financial issues. You bear most of the cost. I am mentally exhausted trying to save money. Sometimes my money don't feel like it is mine. technically it is not mine. It belongs to Allah. I feel helpless especially when my parents are spendthrifts. Oh Allah please help me. Please let my mum realise that she is not managing her financial well. I feel suffocated ya Allah. Ya Allah bless us with wealth. I want to be able to do more and be more comfortable. It is tough ya allah. This is tough. Make me strong. make me strong. make me strong. That is why Ya Allah I never thought of settling down when there are so many unfinished issues at home.

Yoseob my greatest love and companion (7.4.2014)

Dear yoseob,
I miss you so much. I wanted you to know that i am very sorry, you fell. It was all my fault. If I didn't take you out of your cage to read quran with or for you and listen to you that you did not want to stay in my hands while i read it. You might be alive now. But what can I do sayang? Allah loves you more. I hope you remember me my darling. Please wait for me at the heaven's gate. I might be slow to get there but I will call for you when I do reach it. I still have a long way to go sayang. That is if Allah does not take me young. I know this is your destiny and fate my dear, but I cannot imagine living without you. I know sooner or later you will die, but I didn't expect you to go this way. I love you too much to let you go. Yes, people will laugh but what makes hamsters different from cats and dogs? Because they are small? You should not judge by their size. Yes hamsters are small but I could feel that you loved me as much as I love you. I cannot forget you my dear. You will be the last hamster for me, I can't bear to part with you. I pray and pray that we will meet again I will call you my dear. I will call your name. Please pray the best for me to my love. Pray that I get to do what I want most in life. That's all I ask from you and most of all, I ask you to forgive me. Forgive me. Forgive me. Forgive me.

Sometimes...

I wish I have no friends. I just want to befriend animals. Why? because animals don't hurt you. They don't let you down. Like humans always do. Friendship is a complicated thing. I can't rely on anyone. I only rely on myself. I'm very tired of people letting me down. so tired...

Everyday is a gift and hope that tomorrow is better than today.

Inshaa Allah.
Early in the morning the people made me reach my boiling point and went through screaming frenzy. Astarghfirullah. Give me the patience ya Allah. These children are so ill-mannered. Maybe it's children from the akhir zaman is really really rude.I pray that my children will be taught to only be good. Good to Allah, rasulullah and parents. Amin. It's a rarity these days to find good children with good values and manners.

Anyway, last Saturday on the 24th of August, Kyung Jin came to Singapore. I had a really good time bringing him around to places of attractions and my home. I think the best bit of the trip is meeting my eccentric mother. heheh. My mother is quite unique and humorous. Only that at times I find her rather annoying. Especially when she keeps bugging me about marriage. Nope. I'm not getting married yet. I'm not ready. Inshaa Allah one day when I am ready to make the biggest commitment of my life I will.

Maybe I am too picky. But at the same time, at times I think I am happy being alone and just want to spend my life adoring Allah and the prophet. They are like my lover that I cannot meet till the day I die. I want to see your face ya Allah and peace be upon you prophet Muhammad.

The funny thing is I think Kyung Jin could get along so well with my mother. There was so much laughter in the house. My mum told him that he doesn't "eat pictures" LOL. direct translation of a malay phrase it was so hilarious. It is to mean that he doesn't look good in pictures but he is good looking in person. I still remember the photo taking moments as if it was yesterday when he wanted to pretend to kiss my mother. That was too much! LOL.

Times like this when I think my mother is open and ready to accept me marrying someone of a different race. I would definitely NOT sacrifice my religion for any man. He has to convert to Islam on his own accord and will. That he must love the creator first before me. Inshaa Allah I will meet that kind of man. It is not that I don't like my own race but somehow I am more attracted to someone who is different from me. Oh Allah let me find him. please. Sooner or later, I can wait.

Oh and no, no I am not interested in Kyung Jin, LOL. He is like an older brother and he is going to get married soon. I am so happy for him. I wish him all the happiness in the world. I really want to go to his wedding ahhhh.... to experience a korean wedding is something I would like to see!

Such a long post after a long time, it is nice though :) Keep all this in my memory.

Hello

Hello, it's been awhile since I've blogged but I want to start again. I will update on my travel adventures to Ho Chi Minh City. These days, I think I need Allah the most. Please help me ya Allah. I can do this.Sometimes your tests get so tough, I do not know if I can overcome them. Push me Ya Allah. Help me. Only you can. My mind at times is really like a battlefield. Please let me build a defence so strong that will make it hard for them to penetrate. Amin

MERCHANT OF VENICE

Themes

1) Self love VS Interest

2) The Divinity of mercy

3) The cyclical patterns of hatred

Revision

Looking
1) Poem length : Shows how much a poem can say AND the mood of the poem
2) Divisions: How the poem is organised and how it progresses
3) Line length : syllable
4) Typographical features: italicization, capitalization

Reading
1) Registers: Informal to formal, abstract to concrete, simple to difficult
2) Syntax: repetition ( highlights the issue)
3) Word choice: Natural or unnatural
4) Imagery: Similes, metaphors, personification (Gives a clearer image of the poem and makes it more descriptive
5) End-stopped or run-on lines : End-stopped contribute to the sound effect, self sufficient and contained.
                                                   Run-on lines natural flow
6) Rhyme and rhythm : Sound effect for the poem. Organise poem's meaning
7) Sound: The articulation when reading the poem like imagery creates ideas & sensations clearer. Increase meaning

Listening
1) Voice: Personal? If it is, it tries to engage the readers primarily through its thoughts and emotions
2) Whom is it directed to? Itself, somebody else ( could be personal) , nobody( abstract truth or ideas) or reader (abstract truths or ideas)
3) Form of discourse:
    Expressive: Expresses thoughts and emotions ( become involved in the personality)
    Narrative: Tells a story ( interested in abstract ideas )
    Descriptive : describes ( may be value statement )
    Instructive: didactic in intent , spells out a clear message, truth
4) Themes : Love, Death, Time , Nature
5) Purposes: Good ( Tells good from bad, or raise a moral issues)
                     True ( Reveal truth or essence of something)
                      Beautiful ( To tell us something is beautiful )

Insyaallah I can PASS!!!! I must do well. Ya Allah please let me remember all these devices~ AMIN

Art Appreciation

Recently I enrolled in an art appreciation class as part of my University's elective module. Let me tell you how much I love it. I love it THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS much!

It is so relaxing. I get to learn new skills, make new friends that I hardly would in other classes. Seriously this is fun! I am so into art now. I love looking at paintings and it really inspire me.

I'm looking at Jinki now, I seriously love him. Allah don't take him away from me too soon. I love him so much. I thank you Allah, if i don't have that man, I have this little guy that makes me happy everyday and he never changes. But I know I can't have this little baby for long. I will spend more time with him. So he knows he is very much loved. If he goes, let me meet him in Jannah. Ya Allah I know I'm not perfect or anywhere close enough to smell your paradise but Allah please... accept me. I know my brain is pretty haywire at times. But you know what's in me and my heart that is full of flaws. Please accept all of me.

Words I learnt for today

cede - To give up

idioms- style of an artist

fluke- a struck of good fortune. unexpected.

New words

Introspection~ Contemplation on your thoughts , desires

Crafty ~ Artsy person or sly

Beguiling ~ highly attractive OR dishonest

Goshhh that's why english is confusing it has both positive and negative connotations to it.

Today, I feel very down, discouraged and I wonder on my abilities. I doubt that I can be good at english. I seriously do, but at the same time I want to be fluent in Korean. It's difficult to juggle these two languages. I've learnt English a lot longer of course and fluent in it but my vocabulary is not vast. I have to learn more. I can absorb the information but how long can I retain them???

I love English I seriously do. But if I'm not good at it... what do I do? Work hard, yeah sure. I know what I should do. I think.

A long day

Don't want to think about you.But I just can't get you out of my mind. I try hard to forget but you keep coming back to me.

It's just too sad. My heart hurts. I don't understand you. I don't understand why. But I know I have to get over you somehow.

This song is perfect. It's how I feel every single day. I want to smile, I want to live. I wonder if you know I'm like this.