Today it hurts more than it should.

I miss u so much... you have no idea. im just crying on my own. i just want to be with u again. But i have to let go... the aching of the heart ... feels like im dying.

I just wish u would have given us a try, that's all. honestly. At least if it didnt work out we know that... it doesnt work. But we havent even started ...

When i think about it, at the end i'm at a loss. I am the one who is hurt more than anybody...😔😔😔 ya allah please fix my broken heart ....

피곤

어제 니 꿈 또 꿨어... 놔 줬는데... 그냥 어제 정말... 난 사실 그냥 내 마음 알려주고 싶은데... 근데 니가 듣기 싫어서... 그냥 화내고 욕했어.... 

난... 아무것도 아니야? 난 미친x?  난 디지탈 sound. 이상한소리만 만들었어..? 니말 이해 못함?난 아무것도 몰라??? 넌 슬퍼?

잘했어 정말... 

다 너이지? 난...??? 난 안슬퍼? 난 사람이 보고 싶지않아??? 난 사람 필요 없어??? 난 외롭지않아.

난 그냥 참았어. 난 널 매일 매일 보고 싶은데... 나도 외롭거든. 넌 날 기다렸어? 난 왜 모르지...?

넌 항상 단 여자들 찾고 있잖아... 우리 같이 있을때도 여러가지 앱 썼잖아. 돈도 냈어...

난 한국어 이해못함? 비상상태 있으면 난 ... 우와 난 한국에 3개월동안 살았어. 한국도 자주 갔어... 그래 니 lover 더 나아... 난 아무것도 아니야.. 내가 하는거 다 아무것도 아니였어... 미안 that i wasted your precious time. 난 타이밍 없어... but i did it all for you. 

You really broke me inside. But yes maybe you are right, i am crazy cause i still love you. After you have hurt me so much i still love you. I am crazy I guess. Still i love you and still i miss you but you are just happy on your own with another woman. I guess I have to find my own happiness too. I feel like you didnt see what i went through for you. Maybe you will one day.

사실 니가 나한테 확실한거 줬으면...난 한국 자주 가... 한국에 이사할거야. 넌... 말안했잖아 내가 어떻게 알아.... 난 begging 안할거야.. 근데 니가 나한테 왜 그렇지... 난 너한테 잘해준데 항상. it hurts me how you treat me like this till the end. 나도 니손 잡고 싶고 안고 싶고... 왜 몰라?

난 아무것도 몰라 나 잘 아는데 항상 친구들한테 말했어... Poor thing he is alone, im worried he is always alone , always lonely.  I wonder if he is ok... EVERY BLOODY DAY! I think of you! Thinking if you are okay. 

아 몰라... 난 최선을 다했어. 니가 그냥... 급해서 내 마음 다친거 생각안해... 그냥 자기 생각해...
Even till today i still pray you...And i still wanted to be your good friend but I think it will hurt me now so.. thats why i told you let's take a break. 밥줘 너 정말...내 입장에서 좀 생각해봐. To feel like you dont appreciate what I do for you... you are a good example of someone who has a blind heart. 

Actually you, you need to fix your heart. There's something very wrong with it. 

How do u expect me to let you go? You think its easy..? I love you it's not infatuation. But im just an invisible person. I don't match up to anyone next to u. I'm going crazy u know?.. with what you are doing... Honestly i dont know if i can wish u anything. Im trying my best to be okay. Even now i always think if you think that i have left u and that i dont love u anymore. i have always always love you.dang it, you make me want to cry again. what did i do so wrong to u?

꿈.ㅂㄱ싶어서 그래

 어제 니 꿈을 꿨어...아저씨 이건 왜케 힘들지...? 꿈에서... 근데 난 그런거 안하고 싶은데. 왜 너 끝까지 그냥 자기 생각만해? 니가 나한테 기회 줬으면... 난 엄빠한테 말하고 난 한국도 자주 갈수있어 언제든지 갈수있어.... 근데 니가 확실한거 안줬잖아...

우리 마지막 통화.. 난 널 싫어했어 니가 그냥 내 마음 무시하고 그냥 니맘대로 하고 싶은거 다 말하고 다 했어. ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ 마음 아직까지 아파...

잠을못자고 숨도 못쉬고 가슴아프고... 스트레스 많이 받아서 곧 죽을것같에. 난 언제 행복할수있어?

 Ya Allah with this loss, allow me to be patient... And I hope what is taken away from me will be rewarded in ten folds. Allah I still love him, no matter how he treated me... I never stopped praying for him. I just wish he could see the immense amount of love i have for him. I was willing to do almost anything for him. I love him more than myself ... it seems. No matter how much hurt he brought, the love i have for him doesn't fade and it overpowers the amount of anger i have for him.

Hi sayang

 Hi sayang,

What you did was unthinkable for me. i am sorry i can't reply to any of your messages now cause the pain is still fresh.The scar this time is deeper than whatever you have done in the past. Whenever I think of you with her, it hurts so much. Hurts because... you didn't care about how i feel. Cause till the end you only think about you, your happiness. 

Maybe i was stupid for putting so much hope in you and also believing that you'd eventually change. However when you got her, i felt it is so clear that i was a mere backup plan. Even when you hurt me, I still think about you, if you have taken your medicine? Are you okay? but i am sure you are beyond happy.

When i dont message you i worry if you would feel stressed but i just can't do it right now, i am not strong enough to face you nor her. The pain you brought this time is just too great that it will take a lot to heal.

I have stood by you throughout your good and difficult times.But you chose a woman who you only know for 2 weeks. Yesterday, i thought of all the things I did for you when we were together , next to each other. I helped you and i really took good care of you. I really did all my best for you but it is not enough. What hurts me most is your reaction. Till today when i remember it, my heart hurts like crazy and i want to cry.

My friends told me to never be friends with you again. But i know i dont want to lose you as a friend. I know you hurt me a lot but we went through a lot together. I was your home, i knew all your darkest side, you tell me everything, I was like your home or your shelter. No matter how your secrets or dark side hurts me , i accepted you because there's no denying that i love you.

Every time, i feel like i am not enough, i will remind myself that no, I did the best i could and i did all the good things for you. Just that whatever i gave will never be enough for someone who doesn't know how to appreciate.

I know you did this to many girls, i just want you to learn a lesson in your life so you can become a better person. An even kinder person, a person who is considerate of others' feelings , a person who cares for others as much as you care about yourself.

This girl that you are meeting, she will never know the pain you brought me. My heart still hurts when i think of her. She did nothing wrong but still it hurts to think you chose her over me.

30.03.2020

Ya allah, i have a choice i know i do. But why do i love him too much. Honestly his behaviour these days hurts me. He only thinks of himself. I gave him almost all that i csn but yet he makes me feel worthless cause he doesnt want me as much as i want him.

16.04.2020

Ya Allah,
I have no one except for you. I have no one to talk to. No friends, nobody. I am all alone ya allah. Even the man I love, he is too busy for me. He will also be too busy for me soon. Soon, we may not even have time to talk or text. I am thankful for this test but at the same time. This is not easy. I always care about people and ask them but almost actually close to none checks on  me. I will always be the person checking on everybody.

It gets tiring because people don't care. Why do people care only when someone is gone?Or if someone passes on? People are only too selfish, they only care about themselves. Their wants their needs. Even when they hurt the people who love them, they don't care they only think of themselves or put themselves first.

Ya Allah i am too sad, when is this challenge going to end? When is this wait going to end.

15.06.2019

Dear Allah,

Why am I like this ya Allah? Allah I believe and trust whatever u have planned for me but Allah

27.09.2018

Dear sayang,
I want you to know that I have no one else that I want more than you. However, there are times where you don't get what or who you want. I wish and I pray hard that you and I will be and meant to be with each other. You often ask me and doubt my love for you. Why? Don't you feel that you deserve to be loved? Maybe in your life the only kinds of love you have received are those that hurt you and where many people you care about leaves you

A year and a half has gone by and everything remains the same.

Demi allah

For Allahs sake,  I love you.  But may be some things in this life are not meant to be.  May be you are the right person whom I met at the wrong time.  I will keep on loving and praying for you. For your happiness and peace.  Whenever I think of you , I leave it up to Allah., for he knows best.  Whenever u talk about other women,  my heart bleeds.  i refuse to be jelly of all the things they did with u.  I am not chasing this life as much as I want to chase jannah.  And if I reach it,  I will ask Allah to call upon you or...  Create me a husband that looks like you and has your personality. One that can get along with me , one that I can look at with love and  sympathy.

Oh Allah this year hasn't been easiest for me in terms of work and even love. When I thought that you sent love to me, you sent one so poisonous. The poison paralysed me for quite some time. I love him ya allah. Is there any ways that I can stop all this ? How can I forget him ya allah. I want to cut ties with him but I am not the kind of person to do so.

Ya Allah let my love life from this day forward be simpler, less hurtful and let me at least able to get the kind of man that I want in this life. Ya Allah I admit I am slow. But there must be a reason why I still am single till now.

 Ya Allah I love him. Protect him. Keep him safe. Lastly let me be able to meet him in jannah. Let him remember what he lost.

Unlucky in love

Sometimes I look at my sister, I feel envious. Why? She found the love of her life too easily. While me...I always, always don't get the ones that I love. My first love whom I still think or dream of on some days. He is one I will never forget. I didn't and will never get the chance to tell him that I love him. He will always be one of the best memories I have in my life.

This second love that I have , that is distorted in soooo many ways. One that I cannot pin any hopes or dreams on. One that I have to be selfless. I have never been selfish but I have to be even more selfless in this one. I love him ya allah. I pray for him daily. He is far ya allah, far from me. But I want you to protect and look over him for me all the time. I know ya allah, he may not be the right person for me. But allah, if we are really not made for each other... Let him meet someone who loves him as much as I love him. Or meet, someone who will love him even more than I do. Someone who will accept him for everything that he is , his flaws and his perfection. Someone who will take good care of him. There is only one request I ask of you and I will never stop asking. I will never state it here. But I want only the best for him. Ya allah, please show him that my love for him is true and sincere. I can't believe I am crying while typing this. These days, I am not one that is easy to cry and break. I guess he means that much to me. Oh Allah, strengthen me to face whatever it is i have to. Please protect the man who owns my heart. With that, I love you and I miss you 박주호.

Love note for ㅂㅈㅎ

To love is to be selfless,  to love is to care about others more than yourself.  To love may be the most painful thing for some. But love doesn't always have to hurt.  My love is to heal the broken you... May u heal my sayang. I miss your face, your voice ,your smile and our petty arguments.  I miss u

Love Note

It's been over a day or two, that I don't hear from him. I know that he needs that space and time that he craves for. Maybe he is hurt,sick , he is stressed and angry.

Ya Allah please look after him for me. Please free him from all the pain that he is feeling. I cannot bear to see him in pain or stress. I want him to be happy. The other day, when we fought and I became the source of his pain I really regretted it. He is always in my heart and mind. I wish he knows how precious he is to me. I wish I was physically near to him. So I could help him. I know that he could hurt me emotionally or physically but I am not afraid.

June will be the sixth month that I know him, sometimes I wonder how did I fall for him so fast and so hard. But ya allah, he makes me very happy. I feel the deepest connection with him even though we have never met in person. Right now , i just want to hug him tight and tell him everything will be alright and that he shouldn't be terrified of life that I will be here for him forever,  no matter what our relationship may be...  Complicated , friends , husband and wife ... I will always be here for him.  He can count on me.  Baby,  I know you are scared but I will always be here I promise. 

Baby,  많이 보고 싶어. I want to tell the world how much I love you , but I am afraid you won't like it.... 베이비 사랑해.. 넘 그리워해서 안아주고 싶어 . I hope you are okay wherever you are and whatever you are doing. I love you my sayang ❤️💙

Live in the present

I resigned my fate to Allah.  I am amazed at my capacity to love someone despite knowing his darker side . I still love him the same and nothing changed. I just pray he will have a peace of mind and heart in this life and also I pray hard I can call you to jannah in the hereafter that's how much I love you . 
Yes baby,  I know you might be reading this someday or somewhere. Please know that I will love you as much and as long as I can

Feeling Blue

These days I feel more blue than usual. I have no idea why I am feeling this way. Maybe I miss my friends, well let's face it being an adult, meeting friends only gets harder. Friends are busy with work, friends that are married and the highest level of being busy has got to be friends with children. Sadly all of my friends fall under one of these categories. 

Just because I have yet to reach those higher milestones in my life does not mean I regret the way I'm living. I believe that the time will come where I will be ready and everything will fall into place. The time is not now because I have other things I still do want to achieve. I remember I posted an entry here approximately 8 years ago on how I would like to live independently and work overseas. That dream is still in my heart, even though the desire to do it has somewhat decreased over the years. As you get older you get less confident and somehow you have this growing fear in you. A fear that will swallow you whole if you don't stop overthinking. However, that dream, even though the desire has decreased and overwashed with time; it didn't die.

No matter how much I debate myself on not doing this, I can't bring myself to defeat the dream. I have to do it else I will regret. I hope that when I'm living my dream there I would meet someone... a soulmate if possible. Someone who would accept my stubbornness, someone who would make me smile and someone who warms my heart just by me looking at him. Sometimes I think to love is the greatest fear of all. For I am always in love with people who are impossible to meet or people who are taken. Why? Because these people can never let me down. I am also picky to the point where the types of guy whom I always fall for are those that are near impossible to get. There will always be the difference in culture, race and religion. It is not that I don't like my own people. It is just that, I don't know what is wrong with me... I keep on getting attracted to those who are totally different from me. This post will be nice to see again, if I were to get married in the future to see who my future spouse will be. 

LEAP OF FAITH

Ya Allah.

Taking this leap of faith is not easy. The decision made is easier, however, the act is terrifying. The only thing I am worried about is not being able to find a job after leaving something that I have done for the last 7 years. That’s considered almost a decade of my career. However, when I think of how I would spend the rest of my life in this place not knowing what you have written for me out there brings about a sense of regret. I imagined myself to be older and waking up doing this job every year without fail and the conclusion that I’ve arrived at is that I would feel like I have wasted my life. 

Teaching is not really a waste because you touch lives every day and you might change someone’s life. Mould a child to become successful individuals. However, my last 7 years in this school, year in and year out has become a blur of events. My life has become a routine and I just know that I am not living my life to the fullest. I am not soaking in the atmosphere and everything. Life has no excitements it has become pretty mundane. It is as if I have hit a roadblock. The only happiness to me is the moments I spend with my family and friends after work. I love jogging or having long walks with my sister. I love watching television with my brothers. I love meeting my friends. 

There are like no changes in my life, I need change. Even though this journey is as terrifying as it seems I know I must do it. For change after 7 years of routine is good. Only Allah please don’t let me worry too much about my finances for you will supply me with sufficient. As a Muslim, ya Allah I know you will always watch over me and provide. I also have to believe that you will not give a burden that is too heavy for me. I believe that you have bigger and better plans for me. Give me courage and bravery. Make me strong. Hasbunallahu Wa ni’mal wakeel.

I hope in 4 months time, I will be back here blogging from another country. INSYAA ALLAH

At the crossroads again

Ya Allah,
I'm stuck. I really want to go and fulfil my dreams and knowing that I will be stuck here for additional three months. I don't feel happy anymore. I know I need to accept and say alhamdulillah for more preparation time but ya allah, I feel like I have waited too long. I want to spread my wings and just fly. FLY AWAY. I WISH I CAN. If someone can take me away somewhere anywhere I will be happy. Right now my heart is just sinking. Yesterday I argued with my sister over my dream. Everyone's dream is different, her dream is to get married and have children, yes I respect that but you have to respect mine too. For how long must I wait and put my dreams on hold because of others. I have contributed more than you ever did. Have you even thought of that?

I have never told you to put your dreams on hold ever. I told you to go for them but you want to stop me from mine. Ya Allah may be this is for the better. I don't know why but doing this dream of mine means soooo much to me and in my heart I just know I have to do it and if I don't I will regret it for the rest of my life. Somehow getting married is not my top priority. I believe that I will find someone oneday, strongly believe in that, that I don't find the need to look for anyone to love because I am contented with being alone right now. Because I believe you have destined something huge for me.

Ya Allah, my dream from young was to study in a foreign environment and I want to learn to live independently to live in a different country. If it is possible, I also want to work in a foreign country. I don't care whether it's Korea, Dubai, China or Turkey. I am open. I chose Korea as my stepping stone because I am familiar with its culture and environment then I am willing to go to Dubai. In Dubai, who knows since I am closer to the holy land I get to go there even faster. That's my dream too ya Allah. Allah you know my passion in teaching and in sewing, I wish I can teach sewing as my retirement plan. Apart from that I love zumba too. I have too many things I want to do.

If I were to turn back time, go back to that 16 year old self who was full of dreams. That 16 year old self is still burning in me. I remember when I started I wanted to go to the US, I wanted to get a job there. However, with the current state of the US, it is not wise for me to explore there alone. It is okay. My dream is to travel the world. I want to make goals in life. I want to transcend the boundaries that women of my age and culture does not want to transcend. You made me so different ya allah but I hope you love me the same as all the other beings you made. Ya Allah give me strength and I seek your blessings and protection. Make this challenge turn me into a stronger woman. Amin. Atiqah please be strong.

GOT7

Recently, I am into a Korean boy band called "GOT7". I am secretly an IGOT7. LOL. I know I feel too old for this. But these boys are just adorable. Besides I have never ever really became a true fan of a band in like a few years now,the last one I really loved was Shinee & B2st. I actually can't wait to see the Markson show tomorrow! Can you believe it? I knew Got7 last year. I've only grown interested in them this June, why? I was curious and clicked on the Markson show on youtube and I fell in love with Mark. He is so dashing, so mysterious yet his laughter is the cutest thing on earth. However, I feel Mark comes in a pair with Jackson! Jackson is the total opposite of Mark which is a totally good thing because they complement each other, like Jackson is too noisy and Mark is quiet so they balance each other nicely, when you throw in Eric Nam it is the perfect combination! The chemistry is just tops!

I knew JJ project and couldn't wait for their debut, I watched Dream High2 and fell in love with JB and Junior. I was very very upset when they came back with 5 other members at first I was like WTH. I felt that the other members were overshadowing the 2 members. However now that I love Markson, I've learnt to love and embrace them as a whole. I can see they work well together. GOT7 forever. The fact that 3 members are able to speak English fluently is just superb. I wish to see the Amerithaikong bunch appearing together more. I wish Young Jae would speak more on screen. Even Mark as well, I somehow feel that Mark aside from being shy and an introvert, I feel that because the rest are too rowdy or talks more they overpower him and he chose to stay quiet. LOL but I still love him for who he is. On another note can wait to watch them on ASC tomorrow. MARKSON RULES!!! GOT7 fighting!

PS: I think Bambam should be given a chance to join them on ASC!