LEAP OF FAITH

Ya Allah.

Taking this leap of faith is not easy. The decision made is easier, however, the act is terrifying. The only thing I am worried about is not being able to find a job after leaving something that I have done for the last 7 years. That’s considered almost a decade of my career. However, when I think of how I would spend the rest of my life in this place not knowing what you have written for me out there brings about a sense of regret. I imagined myself to be older and waking up doing this job every year without fail and the conclusion that I’ve arrived at is that I would feel like I have wasted my life. 

Teaching is not really a waste because you touch lives every day and you might change someone’s life. Mould a child to become successful individuals. However, my last 7 years in this school, year in and year out has become a blur of events. My life has become a routine and I just know that I am not living my life to the fullest. I am not soaking in the atmosphere and everything. Life has no excitements it has become pretty mundane. It is as if I have hit a roadblock. The only happiness to me is the moments I spend with my family and friends after work. I love jogging or having long walks with my sister. I love watching television with my brothers. I love meeting my friends. 

There are like no changes in my life, I need change. Even though this journey is as terrifying as it seems I know I must do it. For change after 7 years of routine is good. Only Allah please don’t let me worry too much about my finances for you will supply me with sufficient. As a Muslim, ya Allah I know you will always watch over me and provide. I also have to believe that you will not give a burden that is too heavy for me. I believe that you have bigger and better plans for me. Give me courage and bravery. Make me strong. Hasbunallahu Wa ni’mal wakeel.

I hope in 4 months time, I will be back here blogging from another country. INSYAA ALLAH

At the crossroads again

Ya Allah,
I'm stuck. I really want to go and fulfil my dreams and knowing that I will be stuck here for additional three months. I don't feel happy anymore. I know I need to accept and say alhamdulillah for more preparation time but ya allah, I feel like I have waited too long. I want to spread my wings and just fly. FLY AWAY. I WISH I CAN. If someone can take me away somewhere anywhere I will be happy. Right now my heart is just sinking. Yesterday I argued with my sister over my dream. Everyone's dream is different, her dream is to get married and have children, yes I respect that but you have to respect mine too. For how long must I wait and put my dreams on hold because of others. I have contributed more than you ever did. Have you even thought of that?

I have never told you to put your dreams on hold ever. I told you to go for them but you want to stop me from mine. Ya Allah may be this is for the better. I don't know why but doing this dream of mine means soooo much to me and in my heart I just know I have to do it and if I don't I will regret it for the rest of my life. Somehow getting married is not my top priority. I believe that I will find someone oneday, strongly believe in that, that I don't find the need to look for anyone to love because I am contented with being alone right now. Because I believe you have destined something huge for me.

Ya Allah, my dream from young was to study in a foreign environment and I want to learn to live independently to live in a different country. If it is possible, I also want to work in a foreign country. I don't care whether it's Korea, Dubai, China or Turkey. I am open. I chose Korea as my stepping stone because I am familiar with its culture and environment then I am willing to go to Dubai. In Dubai, who knows since I am closer to the holy land I get to go there even faster. That's my dream too ya Allah. Allah you know my passion in teaching and in sewing, I wish I can teach sewing as my retirement plan. Apart from that I love zumba too. I have too many things I want to do.

If I were to turn back time, go back to that 16 year old self who was full of dreams. That 16 year old self is still burning in me. I remember when I started I wanted to go to the US, I wanted to get a job there. However, with the current state of the US, it is not wise for me to explore there alone. It is okay. My dream is to travel the world. I want to make goals in life. I want to transcend the boundaries that women of my age and culture does not want to transcend. You made me so different ya allah but I hope you love me the same as all the other beings you made. Ya Allah give me strength and I seek your blessings and protection. Make this challenge turn me into a stronger woman. Amin. Atiqah please be strong.