Ya Allah,

it hasn't been easy. All i can think of is... why he did it to me? why does he hurt me? Why am I not enough... even if he says that i am the best person with the best character he has ever met. Even when he calls me an angel. Why does it hurt that he still doesn't choose me? Why does the criteria of being chosen is money? How come... when he chose the other person over me, money wasn't a criteria at all. Ya Allah, and the worst part is ... the worst part is, I still love him very very much. I wish he knew the amount of pain he has brought upon me. I wish he can see how much I have sacrificed for him. Most of all sacrificed my feelings and my heart for him...

I don't want to start 2021 on a bad note. But this is my first time crying because of him again. Maybe i should run away from him far far away from him and don't look back. 

The only problem i will have is how much i will miss him if i do. Allah only u know how much i am waiting for him to come. 

crying again.

Hi,

I miss you more with each passing day. I pray to Allah that we will be able to be husband and wife in this lifetime and i want to see u in jannah. The only thing is that , these days it hurts more than it should and I truly wonder if I can forget you or if i can overcome this. I just feel sad that you dont see my worth. all i wanted is to be with you... i never asked you for anything before. But why does it hurt when it feels like you appreciate her more than you appreciate me. I have been with you for 3 years but you ......

I guess I will never understand how your heart works. I tried my best to move on. it's 3 months but i'm stuck and i have been making prayers to god.

The thing is my prayers is not about moving on. I don't know why my heart is too stubborn....It feels too broken too. The only thing i want to do is just cry my heart out in front of u. Just cry so u can feel the amount of hurt , the amount of pain it caused me.

I dont know if i can open my heart to another person again cause i am tired of trying. and i dont want to love someone and end up feeling the same again and again.

It feels like i am not worthy of being loved, ya allah i love him ya allah please give him guidance , please let him realise the folley his has made. Let him realise how much Ii truly love him ya allah .Let him realise how much hurt he has brought to me. Please let him come back as the better version of himself. Park jooho.i love you. if one day u happen to read this. please know that ... i have never stopped loving u. I tried to hate you but i couldn't even if i tried. I only want u to know how i feel.even in my prayers i still pray that allah will guide you and that we will meet again not only on this earth but again in jannah. Somehow i can't wait to go to jannah, so that i can find you. I pray I can. Because I would like to spend eternity with you. The best version of you.Ya allah please hear my prayers. Let us unite in this world and in the hereafter till then i will be patient.

 The only way to heal is to not be afraid to lose you. To think that you belong to god and nobody else. It is hard but I will try. I am afraid to be waiting for you. i am scared if it doesn't go my way. Though I pray very very hard that you will come back.

 Ya Allah I am learning, I am really learning to be okay with all these. I really want to become better. I don't want to become bothered by him. or what he is doing or what is going on in his life. But its bad cause I keep missing him which I shouldn't after all the pain he put me through. My heart, is too generous for my own good. I have to learn to let go of people who hurts me all the time and one who doesn't feel the guilt. How come after I know all the bad things he had done, my heart still loves him???I shouldn't love him anymore. I should send him away because I am becoming sick because of this. Mentally and physically it isn't good for me.

Officially missing you

 I wonder if you think of me, like how I think about you. I know your answer would be no if I were to ask you straight up. I wonder if you miss me like how badly I am missing you. It's almost 3 weeks now. I seem to have run out of tears but at the same time, I feel like screaming because of this pain that I am hiding. I don't want to be for your attention. I don't even want to beg for you to be with me. I just miss you. period. I miss doing all those things for you. Do you even know why I worked so hard? Cause I wanted to be able to take care of you. Really take good care of you so you don't have to stress, or work so hard. I wanted you to be able to enjoy your life. I did everything that could get me to save more money. Like doing food delivery, starting this business, selling food. Because I am that serious about wanting you in my life. Wanting to be the best person for you.

Do you know why I hardly argue or fought back? Because if I do, it will only stresses you out, make  you angrier than you already are. The fact that you are ill, I lose arguments for you, give in when I shouldn't because I didn't want to make you anymore angry and stressed cause it will affect your health. Even though I know I will be hurting in the end. Because I love you I always put you first.

Even though I haven't spoken to you in awhile, I know that this bond that we have is unbreakable and that if we were to see each other this connection will still be as strong, even though you met someone new. Because I know you trust me. That was also a weakness that I have that you took for granted. Honestly I want to cry and cry hard, I want to embrace you and cry.I know what you did was wrong. You did plan your move, when I think of it. You didnt think of how you would destroy me and break my heart so bad that now to love another is something i greatly fear. I am not sure if my heart will be able to open for another person like how it did for you. 

 I just want to be happy again. I just don't understand... how you could do that to me? How come you are not willing to fight for us as much as how I did? How come i am the one who is getting hurt in the end. Why did you hide me from people you were close to? How come it was so easy for you to replace the person who was there for you from the beginning, the person who was with you when you had nobody. The person who cared if you were happy or you were sad. The person who worries about you constantly. The person who still can't hate you despite all you did. The person who still wants to be in your life after this "break up" you know what's the saddest part...I was nothing to you from the beginning till the end of it. I was never your girlfriend , I was just the girl who loves you more than she loves herself. The girl who gives you more than anyone and yet you don't value and took her for granted. Because of your actions, I feel worthless sometimes.... Because you chose someone who hasnt even sacrificed a thing for you over someone who has sacrificed almost everything ... 

 People think I am okay but the truth is i am not. I am still hurting a lot more than I should. I should hate you because you broke me but I can't. Though I try so hard to forget you, to erase all these feelings.I just want to scream. I have been crying in every prayer because I miss you so much despite all the hurt you gave me... Despite all these I still want to be your friend. Because what we had was so precious. I want to draw a line like a clear line that we shouldn't cross but I'm afraid if I'm weak and let you in again. Because at the end of the day, I am the one who will be picking up the pieces. I am the one who will be trying to heal myself again from these wounds that is so deep this time