Ya Allah I am learning, I am really learning to be okay with all these. I really want to become better. I don't want to become bothered by him. or what he is doing or what is going on in his life. But its bad cause I keep missing him which I shouldn't after all the pain he put me through. My heart, is too generous for my own good. I have to learn to let go of people who hurts me all the time and one who doesn't feel the guilt. How come after I know all the bad things he had done, my heart still loves him???I shouldn't love him anymore. I should send him away because I am becoming sick because of this. Mentally and physically it isn't good for me.

Officially missing you

 I wonder if you think of me, like how I think about you. I know your answer would be no if I were to ask you straight up. I wonder if you miss me like how badly I am missing you. It's almost 3 weeks now. I seem to have run out of tears but at the same time, I feel like screaming because of this pain that I am hiding. I don't want to be for your attention. I don't even want to beg for you to be with me. I just miss you. period. I miss doing all those things for you. Do you even know why I worked so hard? Cause I wanted to be able to take care of you. Really take good care of you so you don't have to stress, or work so hard. I wanted you to be able to enjoy your life. I did everything that could get me to save more money. Like doing food delivery, starting this business, selling food. Because I am that serious about wanting you in my life. Wanting to be the best person for you.

Do you know why I hardly argue or fought back? Because if I do, it will only stresses you out, make  you angrier than you already are. The fact that you are ill, I lose arguments for you, give in when I shouldn't because I didn't want to make you anymore angry and stressed cause it will affect your health. Even though I know I will be hurting in the end. Because I love you I always put you first.

Even though I haven't spoken to you in awhile, I know that this bond that we have is unbreakable and that if we were to see each other this connection will still be as strong, even though you met someone new. Because I know you trust me. That was also a weakness that I have that you took for granted. Honestly I want to cry and cry hard, I want to embrace you and cry.I know what you did was wrong. You did plan your move, when I think of it. You didnt think of how you would destroy me and break my heart so bad that now to love another is something i greatly fear. I am not sure if my heart will be able to open for another person like how it did for you. 

 I just want to be happy again. I just don't understand... how you could do that to me? How come you are not willing to fight for us as much as how I did? How come i am the one who is getting hurt in the end. Why did you hide me from people you were close to? How come it was so easy for you to replace the person who was there for you from the beginning, the person who was with you when you had nobody. The person who cared if you were happy or you were sad. The person who worries about you constantly. The person who still can't hate you despite all you did. The person who still wants to be in your life after this "break up" you know what's the saddest part...I was nothing to you from the beginning till the end of it. I was never your girlfriend , I was just the girl who loves you more than she loves herself. The girl who gives you more than anyone and yet you don't value and took her for granted. Because of your actions, I feel worthless sometimes.... Because you chose someone who hasnt even sacrificed a thing for you over someone who has sacrificed almost everything ... 

 People think I am okay but the truth is i am not. I am still hurting a lot more than I should. I should hate you because you broke me but I can't. Though I try so hard to forget you, to erase all these feelings.I just want to scream. I have been crying in every prayer because I miss you so much despite all the hurt you gave me... Despite all these I still want to be your friend. Because what we had was so precious. I want to draw a line like a clear line that we shouldn't cross but I'm afraid if I'm weak and let you in again. Because at the end of the day, I am the one who will be picking up the pieces. I am the one who will be trying to heal myself again from these wounds that is so deep this time

 I am trying to understand, why do I ... still love you despite all the hurt you have caused me? How can my heart be so forgiving towards a person who hurt me over and over again? Many people tell me to cut you off totally but I just can't. My heart has such a huge soft spot for u? Why do I love u that much and deeper than I thought..

Ya Allah

 Ya Allah,

Today I feel so tortured. Can you please...take this pain away and these tears away. Ya allah, it really feels so painful...Prayers are my painkiller. Allah I miss him ya allah. Please ya allah, stop this yearning. I just want to hold him.i miss him ya allah i miss him... i miss him i miss him  

 Today it hurts more than it should.

I miss u so much... you have no idea. im just crying on my own. i just want to be with u again. But i have to let go... the aching of the heart ... feels like im dying.

I just wish u would have given us a try, that's all. honestly. At least if it didnt work out we know that... it doesnt work. But we havent even started ...

When i think about it, at the end i'm at a loss. I am the one who is hurt more than anybody...😔😔😔 ya allah please fix my broken heart ....

피곤

어제 니 꿈 또 꿨어... 놔 줬는데... 그냥 어제 정말... 난 사실 그냥 내 마음 알려주고 싶은데... 근데 니가 듣기 싫어서... 그냥 화내고 욕했어.... 

난... 아무것도 아니야? 난 미친x?  난 디지탈 sound. 이상한소리만 만들었어..? 니말 이해 못함?난 아무것도 몰라??? 넌 슬퍼?

잘했어 정말... 

다 너이지? 난...??? 난 안슬퍼? 난 사람이 보고 싶지않아??? 난 사람 필요 없어??? 난 외롭지않아.

난 그냥 참았어. 난 널 매일 매일 보고 싶은데... 나도 외롭거든. 넌 날 기다렸어? 난 왜 모르지...?

넌 항상 단 여자들 찾고 있잖아... 우리 같이 있을때도 여러가지 앱 썼잖아. 돈도 냈어...

난 한국어 이해못함? 비상상태 있으면 난 ... 우와 난 한국에 3개월동안 살았어. 한국도 자주 갔어... 그래 니 lover 더 나아... 난 아무것도 아니야.. 내가 하는거 다 아무것도 아니였어... 미안 that i wasted your precious time. 난 타이밍 없어... but i did it all for you. 

You really broke me inside. But yes maybe you are right, i am crazy cause i still love you. After you have hurt me so much i still love you. I am crazy I guess. Still i love you and still i miss you but you are just happy on your own with another woman. I guess I have to find my own happiness too. I feel like you didnt see what i went through for you. Maybe you will one day.

사실 니가 나한테 확실한거 줬으면...난 한국 자주 가... 한국에 이사할거야. 넌... 말안했잖아 내가 어떻게 알아.... 난 begging 안할거야.. 근데 니가 나한테 왜 그렇지... 난 너한테 잘해준데 항상. it hurts me how you treat me like this till the end. 나도 니손 잡고 싶고 안고 싶고... 왜 몰라?

난 아무것도 몰라 나 잘 아는데 항상 친구들한테 말했어... Poor thing he is alone, im worried he is always alone , always lonely.  I wonder if he is ok... EVERY BLOODY DAY! I think of you! Thinking if you are okay. 

아 몰라... 난 최선을 다했어. 니가 그냥... 급해서 내 마음 다친거 생각안해... 그냥 자기 생각해...
Even till today i still pray you...And i still wanted to be your good friend but I think it will hurt me now so.. thats why i told you let's take a break. 밥줘 너 정말...내 입장에서 좀 생각해봐. To feel like you dont appreciate what I do for you... you are a good example of someone who has a blind heart. 

Actually you, you need to fix your heart. There's something very wrong with it. 

How do u expect me to let you go? You think its easy..? I love you it's not infatuation. But im just an invisible person. I don't match up to anyone next to u. I'm going crazy u know?.. with what you are doing... Honestly i dont know if i can wish u anything. Im trying my best to be okay. Even now i always think if you think that i have left u and that i dont love u anymore. i have always always love you.dang it, you make me want to cry again. what did i do so wrong to u?

꿈.ㅂㄱ싶어서 그래

 어제 니 꿈을 꿨어...아저씨 이건 왜케 힘들지...? 꿈에서... 근데 난 그런거 안하고 싶은데. 왜 너 끝까지 그냥 자기 생각만해? 니가 나한테 기회 줬으면... 난 엄빠한테 말하고 난 한국도 자주 갈수있어 언제든지 갈수있어.... 근데 니가 확실한거 안줬잖아...

우리 마지막 통화.. 난 널 싫어했어 니가 그냥 내 마음 무시하고 그냥 니맘대로 하고 싶은거 다 말하고 다 했어. ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ 마음 아직까지 아파...

잠을못자고 숨도 못쉬고 가슴아프고... 스트레스 많이 받아서 곧 죽을것같에. 난 언제 행복할수있어?

 Ya Allah with this loss, allow me to be patient... And I hope what is taken away from me will be rewarded in ten folds. Allah I still love him, no matter how he treated me... I never stopped praying for him. I just wish he could see the immense amount of love i have for him. I was willing to do almost anything for him. I love him more than myself ... it seems. No matter how much hurt he brought, the love i have for him doesn't fade and it overpowers the amount of anger i have for him.

Hi sayang

 Hi sayang,

What you did was unthinkable for me. i am sorry i can't reply to any of your messages now cause the pain is still fresh.The scar this time is deeper than whatever you have done in the past. Whenever I think of you with her, it hurts so much. Hurts because... you didn't care about how i feel. Cause till the end you only think about you, your happiness. 

Maybe i was stupid for putting so much hope in you and also believing that you'd eventually change. However when you got her, i felt it is so clear that i was a mere backup plan. Even when you hurt me, I still think about you, if you have taken your medicine? Are you okay? but i am sure you are beyond happy.

When i dont message you i worry if you would feel stressed but i just can't do it right now, i am not strong enough to face you nor her. The pain you brought this time is just too great that it will take a lot to heal.

I have stood by you throughout your good and difficult times.But you chose a woman who you only know for 2 weeks. Yesterday, i thought of all the things I did for you when we were together , next to each other. I helped you and i really took good care of you. I really did all my best for you but it is not enough. What hurts me most is your reaction. Till today when i remember it, my heart hurts like crazy and i want to cry.

My friends told me to never be friends with you again. But i know i dont want to lose you as a friend. I know you hurt me a lot but we went through a lot together. I was your home, i knew all your darkest side, you tell me everything, I was like your home or your shelter. No matter how your secrets or dark side hurts me , i accepted you because there's no denying that i love you.

Every time, i feel like i am not enough, i will remind myself that no, I did the best i could and i did all the good things for you. Just that whatever i gave will never be enough for someone who doesn't know how to appreciate.

I know you did this to many girls, i just want you to learn a lesson in your life so you can become a better person. An even kinder person, a person who is considerate of others' feelings , a person who cares for others as much as you care about yourself.

This girl that you are meeting, she will never know the pain you brought me. My heart still hurts when i think of her. She did nothing wrong but still it hurts to think you chose her over me.

30.03.2020

Ya allah, i have a choice i know i do. But why do i love him too much. Honestly his behaviour these days hurts me. He only thinks of himself. I gave him almost all that i csn but yet he makes me feel worthless cause he doesnt want me as much as i want him.

16.04.2020

Ya Allah,
I have no one except for you. I have no one to talk to. No friends, nobody. I am all alone ya allah. Even the man I love, he is too busy for me. He will also be too busy for me soon. Soon, we may not even have time to talk or text. I am thankful for this test but at the same time. This is not easy. I always care about people and ask them but almost actually close to none checks on  me. I will always be the person checking on everybody.

It gets tiring because people don't care. Why do people care only when someone is gone?Or if someone passes on? People are only too selfish, they only care about themselves. Their wants their needs. Even when they hurt the people who love them, they don't care they only think of themselves or put themselves first.

Ya Allah i am too sad, when is this challenge going to end? When is this wait going to end.

15.06.2019

Dear Allah,

Why am I like this ya Allah? Allah I believe and trust whatever u have planned for me but Allah

27.09.2018

Dear sayang,
I want you to know that I have no one else that I want more than you. However, there are times where you don't get what or who you want. I wish and I pray hard that you and I will be and meant to be with each other. You often ask me and doubt my love for you. Why? Don't you feel that you deserve to be loved? Maybe in your life the only kinds of love you have received are those that hurt you and where many people you care about leaves you